SAVING SERAPH

Everything I know about women . . .

As a single man in my mid-thirties, I’ve spent 20 years trying to understand women, with mixed results. It wasn’t until six months ago, however, that I was given a clear insight into how the female mind works.

It came in the form of Lou-Lou, my two-year-old niece. I know, as a grown-up, that the onus is on me to teach her useful stuff rather than the other way around, but in this case, the instruction was mutual. I taught her how to wink, blow raspberries, burp and count to 10, sort of. “One, two, three, seven, nine, ten”, which is good enough for me, as, personally, I’ve always thought the numbers four, five, six and eight were overrated.

In return, I learnt more about women in two months than I had gleaned on my own in two decades. This does not mean, by the way, that I think women are like two-year-olds and should be treated as such. I love my niece. I respect my niece. I’d dive on an unexploded grenade for my niece, and not just to amuse her. I would only dive on it if there was real danger of it exploding and hurting her. Women are all individuals and I’m making generalisations, but in the two-year-old Lou-Lou is the undiluted, unaffected essence – the “id” – of womanhood. Here’s what I’ve learnt.

1 Ignore them

1If I come into a room and bounce up to Lou-Lou like a clown, trying to amuse and entertain, she blanks me completely. It’s as if I don’t exist. If I walk straight past her, however, I guarantee she will call out my name and want to play with me.

2 Bribe them

Gifts work. Preferably something noisy or sparkly. With Lou-Lou, that means stuffed animals that sing or sequined hair grips. With grown women, I suppose that equates to, say, cars and jewellery.

3 Compliment them

I’ve mistakenly always held that compliments are like diamonds: valuable only for their scarcity. Flood the market and they lose all value. Not so. Lou-Lou poos in her nappy, everyone cheers – as if she just came up with a workable solution to world hunger – and she beams like a lighthouse. The same works with grown women, although, of course, only the general principle applies rather than the specific example given here. (I learnt this one the hard way.)

4 Listen to them

I’ve spent my life trying to preempt what women want. I needn’t have bothered. If I just pay attention, Lou-Lou will tell me exactly what she wants: eat, dance, doll, jump, run, sing, play, read. Then all I have to do is organise it. How much simpler my life would have been if I had listened and acted accordingly.

5 Apologise

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter if you don’t even know what you’ve done. I might have slighted Lou-Lou by putting the wrong doll in the pram. What seems to you or me like a minor infraction is, to her, on a par with genocide. The best policy is to throw yourself on her mercy and beg forgiveness. But you must sound sincere. You don’t have to be sincere, just sound sincere. This is so elementary, yet how many men ignore this advice?

6 Let them do it

Whatever “it” is. No matter how ridiculous it may seem to you, let her do it. When Lou-Lou gets an idea into her mind, there’s no talking her out of it. In fact, be supportive, encourage her even. Then sit back and hope she discovers for herself that it was a stupid idea. The downside is that she might decide it was an excellent idea. One day, I found myself playing dolls’ tea party for two whole hours and drank so many cups of imaginary tea, I was imaginary peeing all afternoon.

7 Don’t tell them what to do

The best way to guarantee that she doesn’t do what I want is by telling her to do it. The clever thing is to make it seem like her idea – and make it seem fun. One of my proudest moments was convincing Lou-Lou that watching the rugby World Cup final would be more fun than playing in the sandpit.

8 Don’t complain to them

This is a tricky one. What I mean by this is, don’t burden her with your petty problems. When I complain to Lou-Lou about a bad meeting or a sore back, she couldn’t care less, but if there’s genuinely something wrong, she will instinctively sense it and, with one hug, pick me up more than I thought possible.

9 Don’t argue

There’s simply no point. You will never win, and if you do win, it will be a hollow victory because of the mood she’ll be in for a long time afterwards. Quite frankly, who needs the aggro? This leads to my final and most important point:

10 Don’t make them cry

There is nothing more distressing than watching Lou-Lou’s enormous, innocent brown eyes overflow with tears, while her mouth becomes a gaping, drooling, mournful air-raid siren that pierces through to the core of my heart. I’m utterly defenceless when she cries. And there’s no known antidote. Food? Monkey impressions? A pony? Stabbing myself in the eye with a chopstick? I will agree to anything to stop her crying – and doesn’t she.

原文在这里

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别这样……不要……我们是……

好吧， 我承认我是标题party……

首先，申明一点，我们是朋友，We are friends，不管多暧昧（某些人除外）

不可避免的，我们偶尔也要一起睡个觉（管你是男是女，还有我）

下面就是主题了，如何和朋友一起睡觉呢？我们做吗？我们不做吗？说实话，我没做

最基本的几条是：

1 禁全裸睡、半裸睡、1/4裸睡，穿上睡衣裤
2 事先告诉他们你有可能会做一些诡异的事情，让他们有个心理准备（很可能就吓回家了，OY）
3 带着你自己的枕头（不要试图在迷糊中抱别的“枕头”）
4 睡之前确定他们真是你朋友……（-_-!!）
5 不要吃黄豆或者萝卜后喝凉水（或者是能产生相同气体的不同搭配）
6 不要向着光亮睡开灯，除非灯门关着（没明白）
7 不要恶作剧（很有可能被他们误解成邀请。。）

下面是体位图

第一章：混合双打（让我想起了奥市的某男和某女）

1> 传说中的96式

2> 背对背，默默许下XX的心愿，看远方的灯泡是否听得见……

3> 不要乱动你的咸猪手，小心被剁

4> 丫你想冻死我啊？被子分我一半，嘻唰唰……

第二章：兄弟

5> 我们还是分开吧，哥们，我们都不想今晚变成噩梦

6> 釜底抽薪，咱们俩是没机会了……

7> 永远表做蠢事，记住了，你手下去的时候，就是你们友谊终结的时候，男人，还是要学会理性，不管对方男女（瞧我们阿嚏同学多理性）

第三章：姐妹

8> 最后是姐妹，囧，女同志们，你们愿意干啥干啥吧，OOXX我们也不管啦，拍点传来照片就哦了，呵呵

#我不知该说点什么，看见instructable上的这篇逗死我了，感慨一下，我是理性男人，呵呵

link

 原文在这里

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101种骚扰同事的方法

1. Leave a stack of old applications and a note saying, “Install these”
   留一堆没用的旧软件和一张写着“安装这些”便条
2. Staple your reports in the wrong corner
   用钉书钉订报告的时候订在错误的一角
3. Put tape over the mouse optics
   在光学鼠标上粘上胶带
4. Unplug a co-worker’s monitor
   拔掉某个同事的显示器接线
5. Talk to sick employees while wearing a dust mask
   和生病的员工讲话时带上一个防尘面具
6. Turn your earphones up all the way
   从早到晚带着耳机
7. Burn popcorn in the microwave
   用微波炉爆爆米花
8. “Forget” to put your tuna sandwich in the fridge
   “忘记”在冰箱里放上你的金枪鱼三明治
9. Turn up the beep volume of the copier
   把复印机“哔”的音量放大
10. Empty the paper out of the main printer/copier
    清空打印机/复印机的纸
11. Empty the ink or toner out of the main printer/copier
    倒空打印机/复印机的墨或炭粉
12. Practice beat boxing
    练习拳击
13. Sing show tunes
    唱舞台音乐剧
14. Hang up the phone before they say, “good bye”
    在对方说再见之前挂断电话
15. Slurp hot coffee during meetings
    开会的时候出声地喝热咖啡
16. Walk around the office barefooted
    光脚在办公室里四处走
17. Empty out a co-workers office on a Friday afternoon
    星期五下午把某个员工的办公室清空
18. Misplace peoples pens
    把人们的笔放错地方
19. Insert a 3.5″ disk before they turn on their computer
    在他们打开电脑之前插进一张软盘
20. Glue their mouse to the desk
    把他们的鼠标粘在桌子上
21. Leave an open can of tuna in their desk
    在他们桌上放一只开了封的金枪鱼罐头
22. Make a screenshot of their desktop and use it as their screensaver
    把他们的电脑桌面截成一张图，然后把这张图设成屏保
23. Turn up the contrast on their monitor
    把他们显示器的对比度调高
24. Talk in a funny accent
    用可笑的口音说话
25. Use goofy event sounds for your programs
    给你的电脑程序选用滑稽的事件提示音
26. Chant, “Yeay, I got mail!!” every time you get a new email
    每次收到新邮件的时候高唱“yeay,我收到了邮件”
27. Print out a phony pink slip and leave It in their mailbox
    打印一张假解聘通知书放到他们的信箱里
28. Send flowers from one co-worker to another
    借某同事之名送花给另一同事
29. Start your car remotely when someone walk by it
    有人经过的时候，远远的就把你的车发动起来
30. Insist on people to have a great morning
    坚决要求人们应该有一个美好的早晨
31. Leave hole punches all over
    随处乱放打孔器
32. Leave your lunch garbage in other people’s cans
    把你午餐过后的垃圾放进别人的罐头
33. After each sip give a refreshing, “Ahhh”
    每啜一口都来一句惬意的“啊……”
34. Put salt on someone’s mouse pad
    在别人的鼠标垫上撒盐
35. Set a password on someone’s screensaver
    给别人的屏保设置密码
36. Carry on a conversation with someone two cubes down
    坚持和两个隔间之外的人对话
37. Smirk when a co-worker walks by
    在一个同事经过的时候傻笑
38. Eat half of someone’s lunch
    把别人的午餐吃掉一半
39. Swap co-worker’s chairs
    调换同事的椅子
40. Fake stomach flu during a meeting and need to abruptly leave three or four times
    开会的时候假装急性肠胃炎，突然地离开三四次
41. Stare deeply into your co-workers eyes when they talk to you
    当同事和你讲话的时候死死盯住他们的眼睛
42. Take all the ice out of the community freezer
    把公用冷藏机里的冰都拿出来
43. Listen to comedy tracks and laugh hysterically
    听搞笑段子并歇斯底里的大笑
44. Hit all the floor buttons when you leave the elevator
    离开电梯之前把所有楼层的按钮都按一遍
45. Make hissing sounds into the phone and insist you have a bad connection
    对着电话发出咝咝的声音，说是信号不好
46. Flip the left and right mouse button defaults
    把默认的鼠标左右键倒装过来
47. Take out the ball in the mouse
    取出鼠标里的滚珠
48. Eat sunflower seeds
    吃瓜子
49. Tell a long story without a point
    讲一个冗长且毫无主题的故事
50. Tell a co-worker you liked their hair better last week
    告诉一个同事你更喜欢他们上一周时的头发
51. Anonymously send flowers to a random co-worker
    匿名送花给随便哪一位同事
52. Bring Cheetos for food days
    在食物交流日上带来的是Cheetos牌的零食
53. Drag your feet when you walk down the halls
    拖着脚走过大厅
54. Exclaim your co-worker didn’t wash his hands when leaving the restroom
    惊叫你的同事出洗手间时没洗手
55. Eat stinky foods when you have lunch at your desk
    午饭时在你的桌上吃些臭烘烘的食物
56. Practice drumming on your desk
    在桌子上练习敲鼓
57. Use too many paper clips
    用超多回形针
58. Fill out your time sheets incorrectly
    填错你的工作时间表
59. Set your mobile phone to an obnoxious ring tone
    给你的手机设一个烦人的铃声
60. Forward chain letters and other spam to co-workers
    给同事转发连锁信和别的垃圾邮件
61. Express your political views at length
    长篇大论你的政治观点
62. Whisper loudly
    大声吹口哨
63. Come to work sick
    生病也来上班
64. Drink the last cup of coffee without making a new pot
    喝掉最后一杯咖啡，且不添一壶新的
65. Answer your mobile during meetings
    开会的时候接电话
66. Stand over someone while they are on the phone
    别人接电话的时候站在旁边监听
67. Sneak up behind someone
    从后面突然吓别人
68. Mess with the thermostat
    乱按一番调温器
69. Give everyone a pistol wink when they walk by
    冲每个经过的人作手枪射击状
70. Gradually turn down the volume on someone’s phone
    把某人电话音量逐渐调低
71. Leave unusual print outs on the printer
    在打印机旁留几张特殊的打印件
72. Throw out other people’s prints
    把别人的打印件扔掉
73. Juggle office supplies
    在办公室供给品上做手脚
74. Write all your memos on bright colored paper
    把你所有的备忘录写在颜色刺眼的纸上
75. Be overly nice to people
    对人过分的亲热
76. Hide whiteboard erasers
    藏起白板擦
77. Chew gum whie talking on the phone
    讲电话时嚼口香糖
78. Regularly update everyone on the current weather
    定时给每个人汇报当前天气
79. Read your emails aloud
    大声读你的email
80. Leave the fridge open
    不关冰箱门
81. Shake up cans of pop in the fridge
    把冰箱里的汽水瓶摇一遍
82. Leave fingerprints on the copier glass
    在打印机的玻璃上留下指印
83. Whistle all day long
    从早到晚吹口哨
84. Wear too much cologne/perfume
    撒过多的香水
85. Type loudly
    很响地敲键盘
86. Wear bright colored clothes
    穿颜色刺眼的衣服
87. Give everyone a nickname from a TV show
    拿电视剧里的名字给每个人起外号
88. Do the sneaky walk around the office
    在办公室里鬼鬼祟祟的走
89. Peer over the cube and wait for a co-worker to look up and notice
    向别的隔断张望，等着有人抬起头来注意到
90. Use the intercom and page yourself
    擅自使用内部电话和记录
91. Swap the regular and decaf coffee
    对换普通咖啡和无糖咖啡
92. Hide the sugar and creamer
    把咖啡里加的糖和奶藏起来
93. Type emails in uppercase and excessive punctuation
    用大写字母写email，并且用n多标点
94. Refer to your garbage can as your in-box
    称你的垃圾桶为收件箱
95. Stick pencils to the ceiling in other people’s offices
    在别人办公室天花板上粘铅笔
96. Throw a bouncy ball in your office
    在办公室里扔弹力球
97. Tell the same story over and over
    一个故事翻来覆去的讲
98. Imitate regular sounds like a disc drive opening, door slamming or a mouse click
    模仿诸如打开光驱，关门，或者点击鼠标的声音
99. Talk to your monitor as if it was a person
    把你的显示器当成人一样对其讲话
100. Schedule meetings at 4:00pm
     把会议的时间定在下午4点
101. Talk loudly with your earphones on when someone comes to talk to you
     有人过来要和你说话的时候，大声对着你戴的耳机讲话。

声明：使用这些方法时请自行承担风险。对于之后所发生的一切–不论是发生在你，你的隔间，还是你的车上–本人概不承担任何责任。

原文在这里

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I’ve learned that

Maya Angelou said this:

‘I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.’

‘I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as ‘making a life.’

‘I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.’

‘I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.’

‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’

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Wanted: Master Software Developers

Reply to: neohenryford@hotmail.com
Date: 2007-12-19, 7:21PM MST

01/18/2008

1. You’re an artist, and software is how you express yourself.

2. You believe there’s always a better way of doing things.

3. You embrace positive change, even when it means relearning what you know.

4. You’re passionately committed to quality.

5. You’re always looking for ways to eliminate waste, at all levels of development.

6. You’re a team player, and you love (not just like) working with others.

7. You continuously strive for self-improvement.

8. You love to teach what you know, and learn what you don’t.

9. You like to have fun while writing software.

10. You’re extreme about your programming.

11. You can find out the significance of the date “01/18/2008″.

12. You can find out who we are and how to reach us (no, we won’t reply to the Contact link!).

Here’s your clue:

eyAnOicgPT4gJycsICcgJyA9PiAnLScsICdzXG4nID0+ICdzLmNvbVxuJyB9 (3548, 4648)

Good luck!

• Location: Lawrenceville
• Compensation: Depends on Experience
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 514727825

原文在这里 

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Share with the ones I do care about

Goodbye doesn’t always mean forever.
There will always be another place and time
where questions will be answered,
the unspoken shall be spoken,
letters shall be read,
undone poems will be recited in the night,
songs shall be sung in harmony,
love will be expressed in solitude and
promises shall be fulfilled.
Somewhere. Somehow. Someday.

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源自地狱的11个洗手间

1.
Well，我们时常都需要谈话 囧~

2.
我的最大使用时间为25分钟，当你强行占用我超过20分钟的时候，我就会叫~然后，我的门，会自动为你打开

3.
有的人(如图1)，如厕时需要有一位异性在身边陪伴，而更有甚者，觉得性别不重要，重要的是要有两个人陪伴

4.
拍这幅图片的人不是中国人，而你是，所以你完全可以把它当作双关。
翻译一：此洗手间有闭路电视监控；
翻译二：中国中央电视台再此洗手间内营运
Ps:CCTV=Closed Circuit Television=China Central Television

5.
一条无人小巷，一扇有带有合适尺寸小口的门，会令人情不自禁的……

6.
Nothing But 香蕉爱好者

7.
当你想冲这个马桶，你需要先跑到第三个洗手间把里面的那个马桶冲了，再跑回来冲这个，不然的话，哼~

8.
大家认为那个蓝色小标志有用处吗？

9.
这个貌似在一幅狠火星的图中看到过

10.
英国警方和铁路职员清清楚楚地知道洗手间内发生的任何事情，并且我们会继续监控，直到你养成开门如厕的习惯为止

11.
如果你发现你被困在此洗手间内，表慌，握住把手向以垂直向上的力往上提，同时以等大的平行于地面的力拉，如果这样都不行，或者把手可恨地掉了下来，请使用50分贝的有规律的呻吟求救

原文在这里

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